Thursday, January 31, 2008

Book Blurbs for Sale

"So good I had to put it down after 10 pages, and I still haven't picked it up again. _______ is so amazing that I literally cannot read it."

--Josh Maday



"A socio-politico-philosophical masterpiece. Seriously. I know I say this about every book, but this is really the one that will change your life, and the world. I am not exaggerating. I mean it. Trust me. I'm serious."

--Josh Maday



"This is a book. It has pages. The pages are an off-white color. The numbers and letters are black. The covers are made of a heavier stock than the pages. The covers have pictures and words on them. The pictures and words on the covers are printed in different colors. The covers have a satin finish. They don't shine as much as some other books. The pages are most easily viewed with light present. The book itself is 8.5mm thick and absorbs liquids such as coffee and urine when they come into contact with the pages and covers. However, the book cannot be dry cleaned without causing more damage. In conclusion, this object is appropriate for sale through distribution companies such as bookstores and online merchant sites. I approve this book for sale to the general consumer: for the promotion of incrementally improved socio-economic status, a temporary feeling of completeness or wholeness through both the act of buying and the feeling of having appropriated the contents of the book by simply acquiring it, and a sense of intellectual superiority over peers and other people in the new owner's sphere of reasonable social competition."

--Josh Maday



"Fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic. Fantastic."

--Josh Maday



Or,

"Fantastic100000000000000000000000000000!!!!"

--Josh Maday



Or,

"Fantastic!!!! a trillion times over."

--Josh Maday



"Come on, what does it matter what anyone else thinks? Just buy it if it looks good. And I thought you were a free thinker. Pphh."

--Josh Maday



"If I'm ever in a situation where I have to choose between death and never reading this book again, a struggle will take place."

--Josh Maday



"Dazzling, crackling, sparkling, explosive. A pyrotechnical masterpiece. After you buy this book and leave the bookstore, take a trip to the hardware and pick up these items: welding gloves and mask, enough fire retardant material to cover your entire body, and a breathing apparatus. Also, pick up some painkillers and a supplemental insurance policy, because when you read this book there will be fire. I'm still nursing 2nd degree burns. You might as well drive yourself to the burn unit as you read."

--Josh Maday



"Buy this book."

--Josh Maday




Please email if you would like to purchase any of these blurbs for your book or someone else's book you are blurbing. Custom blurbs are available upon request. More blurbs will be offered as they become available.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

My Review of Roy Kesey's All Over at NewPages

After a lengthy hiatus, NewPages is reviewing books again. My review of Roy Kesey's All Over is now live at NewPages. Here's a sneak preview: Kesey's book is excellent. Go buy it. And then read it. Also Matt Bell reviews Dave Housley's book of short stories entitled Ryan Seacrest is Famous and Steven Gillis's novel Temporary People.

Also (continued):
Michael Hettich reviews Dixmont by Rick Campbell
Sarah Sala reviews Hiding Out by Jonathan Messinger and A Red Cherry on a White-tiled Floor by Maram al-Massri
James Menter reviews The Pale of Settlement by Margot Singer
Roy Wang reviews The Sky Over Walgreens by Chris Green

Denise and Casey are always looking for reviewers, so if you're interested slip them an email.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Quote and Commodify

"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." -- G.W.F. Hegel

Now, commodify.

I did.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Untitled Post About Things Going Through My Head, Which, at the Moment, is Still Attached to My Neck

I broke into my own house today using my housekey on the front door. My plan succeeded in every way.

See, a lot of times I try too hard. It's just a thing I learned when trying normal didn't seem good enough. Now I operate in extremes.

When I play driving video games I have a terrible time keeping the car going down the middle of the road. I overcompensate with the steering and journey along the outer boundaries of the course.

Things get destroyed.

Sometimes I do not finish.

I was going to write something else but I forgot what.

Names fascinate me. I discovered the American Name Society for myself today. I might subscribe to their journal. A journal all about names, promoting the study of names and the naming process. Onomastics it's called. I am fascinated with the social function of name dropping. It's fairly obvious why people do it, but I still obsess over it. Freakonomics has an interesting chapter about the life cycle of names, which follow the same cycle as fashion, hobbies, and just about everything else.

I am really grieved by all of the fun-making of Tom Cruise lately.

I keep sneezing, which makes it difficult to type, and even more difficult to see what I've typed.

This blog is supposed to be about literature, books, philosophy, movies, writing and things like that, all of which I know nothing about. I'm just faking like a lot of other people.

I am going to start up a literary journal entitled I ONLY PUBLISH MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE IN OUR CIRCLE BUT YOU CAN STILL SUBMIT SOMETHING YOU SCRIBBLED, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO, SO WE CAN LAUGH AT YOU DURING OUR PERIODIC MEETINGS FOR TRYING AND TRYING AGAIN LIKE A GOOD LITTLE IDIOT, BUT YOU CAN WATCH US PRAISE EACH OTHER AND FEEL HOW BADLY YOU WANT TO BE IN THE CIRCLE, AND THEN TRY AGAIN LITERARY REVIEW. The magazine will not need cover art as the name will take up the entire space.

No, I am not against writers supporting one another as a community. What would make anyone think something like that?

The science experiments in my basement are going well. I've managed to splice the leftern hemisphere of a human brain with a right human buttock with virtually no loss of function in either component.

Also, I've blown out the wall of my library. Many many books were destroyed. Also, Mozart's head is missing. It would look like a face with a curly head of hair and a jumpsuit with a ruffly necktie, and inside will be a chalky white cured plaster material. I'm sick of this shit happening all the time. I lost Shakespeare's head last month, and Napoleon Bonaparte before that. Heads everywhere, it's like Robespierre's Great Terror down here.

Robert Olen Butler wrote a book called Severance where each piece is the last minute and a half of thoughts that may have occupied famous decapitated heads. I bought it because I was working on a story about a celebrity body parts dealer. This concept, gimmick, whatever you want to call it, seems to have shaped his next book, due out in May, entitled Intercourse, about the sex famous people may have had. Just like sex and death, names move books, people. Name up!

I've been typing this post for awhile. I just might keep writing it forever.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Next Up: Eraserhead

My junk DVD player plays my wife's workout videos from beginning to end without a blip and only makes it about halfway into anything I'm watching. Well, it finally functioned long enough for me to finish watching David Lynch's Blue Velvet. I liked it very much. Dorothy Valenz's apartment has been in many of my dreams through the years. The one in my dreams has white carpet, black leather furniture, walls painted forest green, faux marble pottery, and no one touches the coffee table; and people are standing stone still but are alive like when Jeffrey finds the guys in Dorothy's apartment with gunshot wounds to the head. The colors are different but it's the same feeling I got when I saw the apartment in BV.

Here's a line from the movie: "I'll fuck anything that moves." It's now also a line from my life. I heard it said in David Lynch's movie Blue Velvet, and I said it to myself after I heard it on the movie. Plus, I just blogged about it, and wrote on my blog about blogging about it.

I just heard someone say "Stop being an ass." It was probably me.

Next is Eraserhead. Twin Peaks after that. I am excited. I am strange. I am going to put my DVD player in the shower and run cold water on it if it malfunctions again.

Lately, according to statcounter and google searches, people end up or at least stop by this blog in search of answers or pictures or both. Probably both. Those answers and pictures pertain to the meaning of dissemination and girls that have penises. I wish these seekers all the best.

Tonight I bought these things at the hardware store:

20 vinyl floor tiles
1 gallon of bonding agent
3 roller covers, 3/4" knap
4 small screws
1 box of screws that go into concrete
1 drill bit set with bits for wood and for installing fasteners requiring phillips and flat head bits, star, square, and hex bits.
1 rubber bristled thing that works as a broom or as a squeegie and is supposedly only available on TV through an infomercial.

Somewhere else my life is going on without me.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Fair Enough

Shh. Don't tell anyone I'm here. Okay, you can tell.

The wallpaper is a quarter inch thick veil of living human flesh.






Wednesday, January 23, 2008

CM Evans's Poem About Kepler, Entitled "Kepler"

Besides creating my favorite cartoons ever (no exaggeration), CM Evans writes prose and poetry all his own. He's posted an excellent new poem entitled "Kepler" on his writing blog and you should go read it and comment and such. He's also got a new collection of stories, poems, and art entitled HOME. You should buy a copy of that. Arbiter says.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The First Step

My spending at Amazon has spun out of control. I am officially admitting addiction. To books, to buying, to finding brown boxes on my porch everyday with the Amazon smile/curved penis on the sides. The yellow padded envelopes in the mailbox function simultaneously to protect the books being shipped to me and to release chemicals into my brain.

It's all Amazon's fault. Just like McDonald's provides fatty foods to people who overeat, Amazon is providing brand new books at out-of-some-guy's-trunk prices and shipping them two-day for free with Amazon Prime. It's not fair. I cannot control myself. I am good for a month at most, but after I've scrimped by with the ten thousand books I already have, I look through all of the titles I've Saved for Later in my Amazon cart and the secretions begin anew. The demons return seven times stronger and the boxes pile seven times higher on my porch. It's not fair. I think I am going to have to sue Amazon for making me buy so many books.

If you really care about me you will send books or money or both. I will take Amazon gift certificats, too, so you know the money will not be spent on booze or other more traditional drugs.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Something About Building and Operating Your Very Own World

Example

Theorem: Engaging in scientific inquiry will make you immortal.

Proof: Darwin currently lives in a two-bedroom apartment with Elvis, Socrates, and Anna Nicole Smith in Hemlock, Michigan.


Test Yourself

Problem 1

Theorem: Doing philosophy will teach you to write fiction you believe in.

Proof:


Problem 2

Theorem: Thinking Baudrillard's thoughts will show you that smiling is an act of aggression.

Proof:


Problem 3

Theorem:

Proof: Everytime you have engaged with fake people you cannot be convinced that the slick red liquid exiting their body is blood.


Problem 4

Theorem: A highly sophisticated quality of boredom can be cultivated using the crop rotation method.

Proof:


Problem 5

Theorem: Problems will not exist if you do not care.

Proof:












[Show your work. Or at least look busy.]







Even More Great News

Based on the experience of the past two posts, I will always be alive.

More Great News

A handful of seconds have passed again, and, yes, still alive.

Great News

It's been days and I am still alive.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Announcement

Everyone:

Today is cancelled on account of greatness.

Arbiter says.

Thanks.

Monday, January 7, 2008

New Reviews Living at NewPages

Yes, it's true. Fresh lit mag reviews await you at NewPages. This batch includes my reviews of The Malahat Review and the debut issue of Slice Magazine. Also: a review of the latest NANO Fiction, which includes two of my fictions, and Blake Butler's "The Way the Ruin Came", which got some good words from Anne Wolfe, the reviewer.

Check. It. Out.

Now.

Or. Your. Child. ren. May. Be. De. formed.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

What Does Disseminating Mean?

A lot of people come to this blog asking that very question. I like to help people. Because I know how irritating it is when you just want to know once and for all but can't seem to get a clear answer. So here it is all you wayward googlers: the meaning of dissemination as per the Cambridge International Dictionary of English.

Definition:

Disseminate: /di'sem.i.neit/
verb [T] FORMAL
to spread or give out something, especially news, information, ideas, etc., to a lot of people:
One of the organization's aims is to disseminate information about the disease.

Dissemination:
noun [U] FORMAL
the dissemination of information

For further clarification read Dissemination by Jacques Derrida

Good luck.

Friday, January 4, 2008

In Henry Darger's World Girls Have Penises

My head is littered with aborted things. Ideas. Images. Words. People.

Scraps heaped and gathered into piles around the room. This makes the room feel occupied. Warm like someone is alive here. So I leave the mess and wait for whoever it is to return home.

I will watch this person pull into the driveway, walk through the door, take off their shoes, and move into the rooms and live, or do whatever makes the room this way. The aftermath of

I push the arms and other appendages into closets and under the beds. The couches are all full between the cushions. The cushions are being squeezed out by the bodies, foreign and domestic.

I keep trying to say something but I do not know what words I need to say it. Maybe I only need the saying and the particular words are not as important. Say things, not something. It is in the saying, the multiple. I don't know what "it" is. It does not matter.

What I keep trying to say is that I am standing here covered in blood and I still haven't found the essence, whatever moves underneath trying to be on the surface for once even though the outside air will crack its lungs.

I am letting my ideas die and killing the ones that refuse to be born.

Henry Darger once told his neighbor that he had been raped by a gorgeous 17 year old Italian girl.

It is late. It feels like dinner time. I am hungry. Maybe I'm just bored.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

The Binnacle Ultra-Short Competition

Here's something. The deadline is approaching for the fifth annual Ultra-Short Competition held by The Binnacle. I've had the honor of being selected as a finalist for three out of the four years they've held this contest. The 2006-2007 Ultra-Short edition will include work by names like Didi Wood (prose winner), Jeannine Dobbs (poetry winner), Greg Beatty, Bonnie Jo Campbell, Timothy Gager, Clifford Garstang, Margot Miller, Adrian S. Potter, J.R. Salling, Kelly Spitzer, and more.

The rules are pretty clear: submit up to two pieces of prose and/or poetry of 150 words or less. Cash prizes, too. No entry fee, either! Here are the submission guidelines if you're interested. The deadline is February 15, so get scribbling and make something funny and brilliant and sad and human.

Tongue Polo.