Monday, May 5, 2008

Reviews of Everyday Life: Cell Phone

Every time the phone rings, something hot and irritating moves under my skin. I'm not sure why, but I always expect that the person calling me has orders for me to carry out or wants to complain about something. Just in general. Or they want to talk on and on about nothing. This is usually not the case. I am not referring to anyone specific. I just don't like talking on the phone. This is not technophobia. No fear is involved. My isolation is bugged.

Today my phone rang while I was carrying the garbage out to the road. That seems to happen a lot: I will be carrying things or busy doing something and the phone will ring. That irritates me, too, because even though I usually let it go to voicemail, my first reaction is to want to drop everything and answer the phone. At least make the ringing stop. So I swore and continued out to the road and let it go to voicemail, and kept swearing. I'm not a morning person. Or a day person, really.

My cell phone has been shutting off lately even though the battery is not dead. My cell phone is old, decrepit. Three years old or so. It has no camera. No video capabilities. Hardly any video games. No mp3 player. A chalkboard for a screen. Okay, not really. At 1 inch thick, it could fit snugly inside a cigarette pack. My phone is obese by today's standards. None of this bothers me. I don't have the down time required to make use of the features on the newest phones anyway. However, I would probably rather be playing Halo 3 on my cell phone than talking to someone. No offense to anyone.

Overall, I think talking on the phone for more than a few minutes sucks. Brevity is a virtue when using the phone, despite the incentive of infinite yack time that compells us to just keep saying words to fill the time because, hey, it's endless and what else is there to do except jabber on and try to fill up oblivion with talking for its own sake. I'm just saying.

[review as though given over the phone]

My phone rang. I did not like it. I answered my phone. I did not like it. Someone talked to me on the phone and I talked back to them. I thought about what they said. I said words in response. I did not like it, though I was okay while I was talking because I was performing socially. After we said words to each other, the phone call was finished. I hung up and felt better. The phone is useful for emergencies and ordering food on the go, and sometimes for talking to people about things to a practical end. Mostly, I do not like talking on the phone just to talk. My phone is not fancy. It does not cook my dinner or rub my back. I do not care. Someday I will get a new phone. Can we be done talking now?

[end transmission]

I wonder who will call next. Somebody call. Somebody call. Please somebody call.


Matt Bell said...

"I wonder who will call next. Somebody call. Somebody call. Please somebody call."

I would, but the chances you actually answering are so low...

Jeff Vande Zande said...

Point taken.



CM said...

What makes me angry, is I have a favorite pair of shoes.

CM said...

And the mailman walks across my lawn, not on the sidewalk to deliver my mail. I want to say something about it, but I goddamn have not said anything about it.

Roy S. said...

Amen! I HATE talking on the phone, and everyone I know seems to think that it's now ok to call my cell phone whenever, wherever - and a lot of it is my own compulsion that it must be answered because it could be something really important. I like silence - on my drive home, I listen to music and sing and just think - I do not need to kill time talking on the phone about nothing. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I feel like such an asocial a**hole right now...