Friday, January 18, 2008

The First Step

My spending at Amazon has spun out of control. I am officially admitting addiction. To books, to buying, to finding brown boxes on my porch everyday with the Amazon smile/curved penis on the sides. The yellow padded envelopes in the mailbox function simultaneously to protect the books being shipped to me and to release chemicals into my brain.

It's all Amazon's fault. Just like McDonald's provides fatty foods to people who overeat, Amazon is providing brand new books at out-of-some-guy's-trunk prices and shipping them two-day for free with Amazon Prime. It's not fair. I cannot control myself. I am good for a month at most, but after I've scrimped by with the ten thousand books I already have, I look through all of the titles I've Saved for Later in my Amazon cart and the secretions begin anew. The demons return seven times stronger and the boxes pile seven times higher on my porch. It's not fair. I think I am going to have to sue Amazon for making me buy so many books.

If you really care about me you will send books or money or both. I will take Amazon gift certificats, too, so you know the money will not be spent on booze or other more traditional drugs.

7 comments:

BLAKE BUTLER said...

i've been there, man. you're not alone. chewing on cold metal helped me. maybe give that a try.

Anonymous said...

hilarious. I've been there, too...

prathna lor said...

sometimes you buy books from sellers who are independent book stores so it is always not so bad

chris said...

I am the same exact way. At this point, I have to give myself a monthly allowance like when I was a little boy and I did chores for my folks. The thing that sucks about the allowance thing is that when it runs out I can't get pissed at my parents for being stingy; I have to be mad at myself for being irresponsible with my allowance.

Josh Maday said...

thanks, blake. I will try chewing cold metal. or maybe laxatives so the anal expulsion is more literal than freudian.

Josh Maday said...

i'm glad to know i'm not alone in this.

prathna lor, your words are wise and economically/artistically/politically responisble. thank you.

Josh Maday said...

I am living on a book allowance, too, Chris. It does not last long. It used to be easier to be more careful because it's my money, but that doesn't mean anything anymore. I can honestly say that I'm not just buying crap, though; I don't find a book in the pile and really wish I'd never ordered it. I only do that after I go to used book sales.