Sunday, December 2, 2007

If You Want to Rule the World, Buy a Cadillac

For the nth time today I saw two commercials advertising the new Cadillac Something or Other. Here is what I learned from those commercials:

You will become a god if you buy and drive a new Cadillac.
Jesus would not drive a Cadillac, He would be a Cadillac, but not like a Transformer because just being the car would satisfy Him.
All the hip Forbes 500 deities are driving Cadillacs.
You will become one of the master class if you own a Cadillac.
A Cadillac will increase your virility ten trillion fold.
Your penis will grow nineteen feet if you own a new Cadillac.
(Of course, this applies to all genders.)
Everyone will know how important you are if you drive a new Cadillac.
Driving a new Cadillac will prove how much money you own.
Buying a new Cadillac will increase your knowledge, IQ, and social power by at least four hundred billion points.
The rights to a lost manuscript by Michel Foucault entitled Cadillac Cars: Historical Convergence of Psycho-Socio-Sexual Power have been obtained by Cadillac for revision and release in the Spring of 2009.
Cadillacs always seem to be traveling through the city at the speed of light, which is faster than other cars.
With your dashboard navigation system you will always know where you're going on the Lost Highway.
Even J.G. Ballard could not depict the amount of sexual pleasure your new Cadillac will provide.
Your new Cadillac will come equiped with tires, seats, a gas pedal, a steering wheel, and many chromium surfaces.
The tinted windows can be rolled down to allow others to see you sneering from your new Cadillac.
You will love, more than your own life, just saying the word Cadillac.
Cadillac cars are shiny.

After considering the information I have extrapolated from the commercials I saw today, and since I do not own enough money to purchase a new Cadillac, I have decided to accept donations via Paypal. I will take all donors for a ride in my new Cadillac. Just don't touch the radio. Thank you, every one.

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