Friday, November 30, 2007


I finally bought a new pair of glasses after ten years. I went to the place in the mall and picked out frames that looked exactly like the hundreds of other frames in the store. You can get any style of glasses now as long as the lenses are short, wide rectangles. You can get wire rims, no rims, or black plastic rims. This way everyone looks like a super intellectual artistic artist. So I checked off glasses on my list of items I need to complete my artist costume. I am still working on the hair, the humorous faux vintage t-shirts, the hip pre-filthed and shredded pants, the cool earth tone overcoat, and a rebellious configuration of meticulously groomed facial hair.

I am also working on my accent infused with a tone and manner of inflection that says, "I am on top of things. I know what's going on. I am hooked up. I am so with it that I am comfortable with what's going on all the time. I am low-key and don't care what others think, but I am smart and stylish if someone happens to be looking. I am an enlightened genius of social existence. I have the answers and I will tell them to you in a condescending and magical way that will make you feel okay about your stunning inferiority." I am still working on that accent, but my note taking is feverish and studious.

If I had a gun I would give it to you and ask you to shoot me.

Okay, I wouldn't. I would carefully check and see if it is loaded and then recommend that we lock it safely away. Because guns with bullets in them are dangerous. I would not wonder how I came to have a gun because I would already know.


julie said...

But you know you don't need a gun.

Pete said...

I read this post to my wife, who laughed heartily despite the fact that she, herself, wears glasses with lenses that are short, wide rectangles and have plastic (brown, she insists, not black) rims. After hearing the items on your artist costume list, she added: "Don't forget the stylish man-purse. Call it a messenger bag if you like, but it's really a purse."

Josh Maday said...

This is very true, Julie. Not just plain old true, but very true. One does not always need a gun to get things done.

Glad your wife got a kick out of the post, Pete. Ah, yes, the man-purse! I totally missed that, and such an important accessory for the burgeoning artistic-/intellectual-looking person. I like "messenger bag" as well, though, because as an aspiring artistic-looking person I have a few things to say to the world, a few messages. My new glasses are short, wide rectangles, too, except with wire rims. And they either look strange on me or I have suddenly been transformed with dashing brilliance, because I notice people looking at me with a lot more interest. I suppose it could be all in my head or the updated prescription, but I'm going to stick with dashing brilliance for a few more minutes.